only you hold the gun in your hand

just a flinch. a streak of rage or misguided jealousy. My love blinded the stark reality. Death, in an instance. I can still feel my heart ever so slightly jump as you would slide open that dresser drawer, withdrawing the matte black glock. Your stone cold stare was familiar as you seemingly looked right through me. That same expression you kept with or without a physical weapon in hand. My echoing taunts still linger with each memory, "do it if you're going to do it." That simple. A seemingly fearless response, quite on par at the time. My ignorance only somehow balanced for some unknown reason. I will never know what went through you mind in those handful of times. Solemnly you sat with your finger resting ever so lightly on the trigger, possibly thinking of the safelt and the ease in which there is suddenly no guard or barrier. Maybe you desired power, even more than I constantly relinquished to you. Just the power of taking my life sustained you. Then it occurs to me possibly the weight of that loaded gun brought something else to you. The undeniable balance of a chamber loaded with shells, waiting to be released. That familiar feeling drew you to lost loved ones, losing yourself in the thoughts of their last moments. The power of pulling the trigger of a loaded gun, a single bullet piercing warm, soft flesh and ending someone's all.... I just thank God you never pulled that trigger.

technology

How does it make us seem? I look down at the blinking light and vibrations, glimpsing your name but it's not you. Just another "you", an occasional tease. Quite baffling how so many companions have shared the same first name, along with some alarmingly similar characteristics. All the different lists of reoccurring names, each one with some emotional connection. Some slight, or even holding an undeserving piece of my heart. Reoccurring names. Listed not by desire or significance, but in monotonous alphabetical order, by last name of course. Each triggers a memory; sweet or bitter, rarely perfect notes of the two combined. But what of me, with a name rarely duplicated. Does it more often appear, or must you search for it... do you search for me; will you search just for me? How does it make me seem?

storm of the night

I am temporarily perched on the porch watching the storm roll in. Darkness mysteriously gliding over my head, teasing me as to where it will land. Thunder rattles as the breeze blows away all cares. Life brings good and bad; uncontrollable happenings. Craving balance and fighting desire. White cloud merely blends with rich gray. Such a sever jagged edge between green tips and gray. The turning leaves softly flutter to the ground, like shedding of skin. First vibrant green, then colors of autumn. Soon will be time to bare all; a bland brown. The thunder rolls louder now, the wind sends blonde in a whirl. The leaves that are left blow in a peculiar pattern. Perhaps a rain dance of sorts? Obliging the clouds release their rain, providing for this world once again. Distractingly shielding worlds of things beyond itself.

almost five.

Almost five. My mouth is dry and my head already aching from the wine. I feel in the darkness for the distinguishably soft swish of my dry fit shorts. Making my way for a glass of water I already inhale the scent of fresh brewing coffee from my door. I wonder if insomnia is contagious... Back under the covers I find a pen and my journal had their way with me and were still in bed beside me. My moonlit walk to the beach earlier still lingers. Something so free about crashing waves and a crisp wind rather than typically muggy summer nights. Makes me wonder where I belong.... what is holding me back?

what's your only hope?

put another layer on
that form you call yourself
flesh is all you have to show
and don't it look like hell
feelin high like a drug
but you're closer to the earth
stop looking down to build yourself up
proclaim shit, don't tame it
these lies are like poison, seeping in my veins
like a disease, spreading across the lands
you're only half of what you say you are
and everything they dont
What's your only hope?

maybe one day

this is a bit choppy & maybe not clear to you, but I just hope it comes across how i meant it one of these days [it's about my little sister]...

I see nothing of me in you
maybe that's a good start
it's a different situation your life is seeking out
a love of slight naivity, and really only three
you see i just don't count,
that's how it's come to be
i wish i could be more
but I will never be like mine, or even there
your beauty is deep and visible
radiating like the sun, your smile is pure joy
you've yet to become a jaded soul, I pray you never do
Circumstances shape you, this i have come to know
I hope you break out and see there is more
You have many years to learn for yourself
do not just accept a concept, test them for more than the surface reflection
it's not about appearance, it's about your soul
The act of putting Him before all, love in the most potent form
Only time can tell where we will be,
maybe one day you will see yourself in me (and that will make you happy)

am i caught in the moment

am i caught in the moment, or is the moment caught in me?
a centered mind and free spirit are in constant battle as nature takes its course
Is there a chemical equation for butterflies frolicking inside me when our eyes meet, or thoughts of you play in my mind?
Nevertheless I have no need of it.
Nor of time; for what matter of seconds add up to when passion and comfort so effortlessly intertwine.
my body yearns for yours, to end in a restful slumber.
Where did this creature come from that seems to count all reserves irrelevant?
Am I simply caught in a beautiful moment, or is the moment, for only a moment, caught in me?

lust

so i just lie those pretty lies
and i'd never compromise
i want you more each day
please don't ever go away
i feel alive
when i look into your eyes
your body gives me heat
it's electric when we meet
you sink down in your chair
run fingers through my hair
i wonder how it came to this
i think about that kiss
that sly smile across his lips
a firm grasp upon my hips
i bat my eyes right back
as temptation takes its hack
his touch awakens me, sending chills down my spine
as we intertwine
once again our bodies meet
tangled in this soft sheet
the morning light comes so quick
blazing down on this trick
we part once more
yet never settle the score
the smoldering coals
of two lost souls

this taste is bittersweet

so i wrote back in highschool. It's my favorite because it was the first real escape I felt from writing:

Your lies are like liquor.

You pour, and take with no reserves.

They burn my throat, but the feelings over ride that.

You are intoxicating.

I'm powerless, I can't say no to you.

When you are away I am so strong, but you make me weak.

I learned from our past, my longing for you has faded away.

Now you're here.

My heart beats so loud I can't hear myself think [the warnings].

One look from you and my strength is gone.

The touch of your hand suffocates my inhibitions.

I'm no longer seasoned.

Desire runs through my veins.

I'm that naive girl once more.

This crisp, cool night is like a dream, finally coming true.

I drift to sleep after praying this would never end.

You and Me, forever, amen.

Dawn comes with a hangover from hell.

The buzz is gone, and I realize it was the same 'ole you.

I question if our love is true.

For love keeps no records of wrong, but ours is far too long.

The words you said creep back up my throat. My brain throbs as I feel the pain of stupidity.

I hope this time is different, for my dignities sake.

I sit and wonder what the future holds, hoping the past doesn't repeat repeat repeat itself.

Our history is scattered. but deep.

Only time can tell if the fairytale will come true.

I can't let us go, but it hurts to hang on.

You were my first, I just want to be you last.

This taste is bittersweet.